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THe wild and free family, by Ainsley Arment
This book wasn’t actually on the list for this year’s book club picks, but I enjoyed it so much that I had to do a book-club-style write-up for it! This book is all about creating the family life you really want, rather than just sticking to societal norms. It’s about embracing your family’s unique gifts and desires, and creating the life and experiences you’re hoping for. Read on to find some of my top takeaways from this book!
Establish a Family Culture on Purpose
“A family culture is your values and vision, your interests and traditons, all wrapped up in one. It’s how you structure your life together. How you spend your time each day. The friends you have. The job you hold and how that impacts your family. . . . A family culture is the sum total of a parent’s decisions—both conscious and unconscious—and the circumstances that result from it. . . . A family culture starts with a vision: a picture of what you want it to be. It becomes your North Star, guiding the decisions you make and providing a helpful navigation for what you will or will not do.”
“So what should you include in your family culture? Any activity that builds relationship. . . . As long as it is intentional . . . life-giving . . . [and] serving your family’s purpose . . .”
“The clues to your family vision are found in the skills that you, your spouse, and your kids possess. The experiences you’ve had. Where you live. The opportunities in front of you. And quite frankly, the trial and error of doing things that reveal what you prefer, what’s possible, and what bears fruit.”
Remember back in January when we read How Will You Measure Your Life? because I had read it years ago and thought it was mostly about creating a family culture . . . and then it was barely about that at all? 🤪
Well THIS book definitely has info about creating a family culture! I love that there are so many specific prompts to help you dig into what you might want your family culture to look like and contain. Family cultures are created when we do things consistently — whether they’re the things we want to be doing, or things we don’t want to be doing. This is a good reminder to carefully consider what we want to be part of our family culture so that we can weave those values/traditions/ideas into our daily and weekly lives!
Let Them be Kids
If we rush children through life, we prevent wonder. If we know all the answers, we hinder wonder. If we push children to perform, we stunt wonder. And if we constantly entertain our children, we extinguish wonder. We want to be protectors of wonder, not protectors FROM wonder. To do this, we have to set aside our own adult notions of how to live. We must embrace the mindset of a child to remember what is necessary for them to grow and thrive.”
When I read this quote, I was struck by how often I try to get my kids to behave like adults, and how often I’m disappointed when they don’t. This section reminded me how magical childhood is, if we’ll allow it! I want to be better about encouraging and allowing wonder, instead of getting annoyed by it.
I’ve recently realized how much I subscribe to perfectionistic ideas, which includes trying to get my kids to act perfectly RIGHT NOW (whether it’s behavior or manners or tidiness or whatever) without giving them the opportunity to learn through their failures. I easily get annoyed when they don’t “do it right,” especially when they make mistakes that I explicitly informed them how to avoid. But I need to step back, take a breath, and build them up and encourage them instead. I want to let them show me how to experience wonder again, instead of trying to snuff the wonder out of them so they’ll behave more like adults.
Remember What is Most Important — Relationships
“Maybe your days aren’t living up to your ideals and you’re already discouraged. maybe you’re wondering if you can do this after all. Just remember that your most important job is not to enforce rules, administer a schedule, or ensure that your days are filled with amazing moments. Your most important job is to know and love your children, to nurture their hearts and minds, and uncover all the hidden beauty in this season as a family.”
“Our great challenge is not what we accomplish each day, but how we respond when our plans go awry. Most often, the first thing that comes to mind is that we’re failures. . . . You are not required to account for every bad day you experience. We don’t measure our results by a checklist or a to-do list. We measure our results by the lives we are nurturing.”
I am incredibly checklist-oriented. I like to be productive, and I like to complete projects. Unfortunately for me, relationships are not projects to be completed or boxes to be checked off – they’re ongoing and ever-changing, and they’re much more difficult for me to wrap my head around.
I’m generally pretty good at setting up systems and traditions that I like, but I veer in the wrong direction when I hyper-focus on what the pictures will look like or if we’re doing the tradition “right,” rather than focusing on how everyone feels while doing the tradition. I want to figure out how to do all the grand ideas I have in my head, and how to ENJOY doing them and ENJOY the people I’m doing things with. I may be able to fake a wonderful trip or tradition with nice pictures and videos, but I can’t fake the relationships that are built along the way – they’ll either get built well or they won’t. I’m still not quite sure how to “nurture the life” I want, but I know I want to figure it out. I want to do better at enjoying my life and building relationships with people I love, even when real-life complications and tantrums enter the picture.
Below are a few more of my favorite quotes and ideas from this book, with no additional commentary from me 🤣
Trauma expert Bruce Perry said: “We’ve created a poverty of relationships that is much worse than the poverty of material things.”
“Connection before correction”
“Kids don’t need more information stuffed into their heads or another test to take to track their progress. Kids need someone to believe in them, love them, and walk alongside them to uncover wisdom, truth, and beauty. They need time to play, time to think, and time to grow at their own pace. They need to fall in love with learning once again and believe that the world has more to offer than an assembly line of lessons to fulfill them.”
“When all else fails, pay attention to what you complain about. Identify a great need or some outstanding problem in the world that your family cares about and go after it.”
Ways to foster curiosity: 1. Be open to mistakes. 2. Explore more, control less. 3. Let your children guide you. 4. Accept messes as part of the process. 5. Ask questions. Don’t always be the expert.
“The word ‘genius’ means ‘giving birth to one’s joy.’ In other words, our children are geniuses at what brings them the most joy.”
“Rewind, repair, replay.”
The chapter names were the following: Create a family culture. Preserve childhood. Connect with your kids. Understand your children. Create a safe haven. Redeem what’s been broken. Chase wonder. Adventure together. Unleash their gifts. Unlock their potential. Pursue a vision. Become together. Do not grow weary. Set them free.
I really enjoyed this book, as it inspired me to do better with creating the life I truly want for myself and my family. These are ideas I want to come back to over and over to make sure I’m truly implementing them!
Check out this post to see all the other books we’re reading this year!