When kids move from a crib to a bed, they suddenly have the freedom to leave their bed, and many kids will take advantage of this*! You might wind up with your child constantly popping out of her room, or even ending up in your bed. If you want to keep your bed to yourself, follow the steps below to teach your child to stay in her own bed. These tips work whether you're just starting the transition or whether your child has been popping out of bed for months now.
(*Note that not all kids will need all of these steps to have a successful transition. Some kids do just fine staying in bed with only a firm instruction at the beginning of the transition: “You need to stay in bed until this time, and you need to stay in your room until this time.”)
1. The Family Meeting
Gather your child for a meeting with Mom and Dad. Talk about how she’ll be moving to a big bed, which comes with big responsibility. Let her know that you love her, and you want her to get good sleep so that she can be healthy and happy. Explain that when the whole family is happy, healthy, and well rested, Mom and Dad are in better moods and there can be more family fun! Explain the sleep rules and reward chart (below), and outline what you will do if she does not follow the sleep rules. This includes describing the silent return and locked doors. Make sure you can follow through with any rewards or punishments you promise.
2. The Sleep Rules
The sleep rules are:
I stay in bed.
I close my eyes.
I stay very quiet.
I try to sleep.
Create a poster either before or during the family meeting that has the sleep rules both written and illustrated (for children who can’t read yet). Allow the family to help decorate the poster to take some ownership of these rules. Display the poster in your child's bedroom following the family meeting, and review the rules as part of your bedtime and naptime routines.
The poster does not need to be fancy, it just needs to be clear.
3. Reward/Sticker Chart
Create a sticker chart and tell your child that any night she follows all of the sleep rules, she gets to put a sticker on her chart. This means if she stays in bed but keeps yelling for you, she does not get a sticker (because she's broken rule #3). After 3 stickers, give her a small reward of your choosing. The reward can be the same or different with each following success – whatever you think will work better for your kids. Make sure to tailor the prizes to your specific child; if it’s a prize she’s not interested in, she won’t work toward it. It’s especially helpful if you can use rewards that are logical. We need sleep in order to have the energy to play, so perhaps a reward could be a trip to the trampoline park (or any other activity that requires a lot of energy). After 2 or 3 rewards, increase the amount of stickers required to get a reward. Continue to stretch out the time between rewards until you fully give up the chart and your child follows the rules without it.
If rewards don't seem to be motivating your child, you can also implement punishments for nights where the sleep rules are not followed. Again, use logical punishments. When a child doesn't follow the sleep rules, parents and/or child doesn't have the necessary energy to play, so perhaps the punishment is that everyone has to stay home this afternoon and play inside.
Here's one example of a sticker chart. You can do yours in any way that works for you!
4. Anticipate Needs and Be Prepared
Make sure to anticipate the needs of your child before putting her to bed. Make sure she's been properly hugged, had a drink, and gone to the bathroom, so that when she starts asking for these things after you've put her to bed, you don't have to worry about whether or not she really needs these things.
Additionally, be prepared for your child to pull out all the stops to get your attention. Kids can get really creative! If you can stick to the silent return guidelines (below), she'll eventually realize that nothing she does is going to get her the attention she wants, so she may as well just go to sleep.
5. The Silent Return
Anytime your child gets out of bed, take her hand (or if necessary, pick her up), silently return her to her bed, and promptly leave (allowing her to get back into bed on her own). Do not talk to her, discipline her, remind her it’s bedtime, tuck her in, hug her, kiss her, smile at her, look in her eyes, linger while she gets into bed, or anything else you might think of. Any attention at all, whether positive or negative, can reinforce the behavior. Therefore, remain as stone-faced as possible throughout the entire process. You may get frustrated and exasperated, but try not to let those things show in your face or body language. Find a peaceful and helpful thought to keep with you throughout the process, and expect that your first few nights of the transition may be full of returns (we're talking 80-200 returns). Save all discipline and praise for the morning.
The silent return is a great option for when your child has gone to bed but you are still awake. Once you go to sleep for the night, you can either continue the silent return for any nightwakings, or you can lock your door when you go to sleep. Do not react to your child if she comes to your door in the middle of the night. Let her pound or yell or fall asleep on the floor outside your door, but do not talk to her through the door.
If you do not have a lock on your door, hang a bell on your doorknob and shut your door when you go to bed. That way, if your child tries to sneak into your room after you've fallen asleep, hopefully the bell will wake you, and you can then do silent returns as described above.
If both parents want to participate in the silent return, that's great, but there is one guideline. You can switch which parent returns the child to bed each night (i.e. Mom does Monday night, Dad does Tuesday night, Mom does Wednesday night, etc.), but do not switch mid-night. So if your child goes to bed at 7:00pm and Mom is doing the silent returns initially, don’t switch to Dad at 9:30pm because Mom is worn out. We don’t want the child getting the impression that she’s getting the best of Mom or Dad, or that if she puts up a big enough fight she’ll get to hang out with her desired parent.
If you follow this plan as outlined, your child will be sleeping in her big bed all night long in no time. If you need help or support as you implement this plan, don’t hesitate to reach out!