Hands Free Mama, by Rachel Macy Stafford

Anyone else guilty of the “I’ll get to it tomorrow” or “Things will be easier next year” mentalities? 🙋🏼‍♀️🙋🏼‍♀️ I think thoughts like this all the time, even when I know they can’t possibly be true. Life is going to keep moving, distractions and disruptions are going to come up every day/month/year, and if we keep waiting until “tomorrow” to live, we’re going to miss our whole life!

Hands Free Mama is all about setting aside the things that don’t really matter (the things that occupy much of our time!) to make time for the things that do matter (mostly people!), so we can learn to enjoy and love our lives while we’re in the thick of it. Because let’s be honest, life must always be lived in the thick of it!

I have to start by saying that the subtitle of this book is “A guide to putting down the phone, burning the to-do list, and letting go of perfection to grasp what really matters!” Why do I have to start there? Because there are a lot of takeaways in the subtitle alone, and I definitely did take away the importance of all those items!

However, I like to boil books down to just my top 3 takeaways — that way I have just a few concrete points to focus on implementing into my daily life. So while I took a lot away from this book, my takeaways below are some of the specific things in the book that really stood out to me, and which will guide my life moving forward.

Use the In-Between Moments

“Living distracted causes you to miss priceless moments of connection that cannot be retrieved. Living Hands Free, on the other hand, allows you to experience the joy that comes from being fully engaged with others.”

I have a friend who is very close to her mom, and I’ve asked her several times why she thinks that is. What did her mom do to convince her it was cool to be best friends with your mom?? Because that’s what I want for myself and my kids — to be very close and have so much fun together!

While my friend has never given me much of an answer (she did say “She always gave us ice cream after school so we’d talk to her!”), I think I found my answer within the pages of this book: it’s about creating a culture of connection — in the big moments, and in all the in-between moments, too.

Some of the specific times Stafford points out as possibilities for connection are car rides, waiting in lines, doing household tasks (together!), and waiting for doctor appointments. These are often times we turn to our phones to help “pass the time,” or we simply zone out, but what if we used that time to connect instead?

Since reading those ideas just a few weeks ago, I’ve made a conscious effort to talk with Ada (and Holly) in these in-between moments.

As Ada and I waited in a line for 10 minutes, we had all sorts of conversations. Truth be told, I can’t remember now what we talked about, but I do remember having a lot of fun waiting in the line together. I do remember laughing, smiling, and snuggling with my girl. I do remember feeling more connected after that. And I definitely know that connecting with my daughter felt much more fulfilling than looking at my phone ever does. Even if she doesn’t remember our conversation, I hope she’ll remember feeling connected to me, too — that day waiting in line, and in general as I begin to use more of these in-between moments.
I started having more conversations in the car with Ada (5y), but I wasn’t really sure how to create more connection with Holly, my newly-2-year-old, in the car. But I quickly came up with an idea, and Holly was a big fan — I sang songs to her. I asked her what song she wanted me to sing, and she gave plenty of opinions about it :) I knew she liked it when, the next time we were alone in the car together, she started making her song requests :)

It’s in all the in-between moments that relationships are truly built!

Define What Matters

“I realized I had to be intentional about how I spend my precious time here on earth . . . I made a mission statement consisting of what I most wanted to accomplish in life. I called it my ‘Life List,’ and it was surprisingly short: 1. I want to know who my children and spouse are . . . 2. I want to use my God-given gifts as a teacher, writer, and encourager . . .”

How much of our time do we spend keeping the house clean? Worrying about how our bodies look or about the clothes we put on our bodies? Checking things off lists to feel productive? Saying “yes” to please other people? Curating our social media feeds to hide our insecurities?

And how many of those items would actually make it onto our “Life Lists”?

Of course I had heard about being “intentional with our time” and “focusing on what matters” before reading this book, but I really liked the idea of writing my thoughts out in a Life List. At the end of my life, what do I really hope I’ve done?

I want to love my spouse and have an extraordinary marriage.
I want to love and teach my children.
I want to love and help others (currently as a sleep consultant, but I’m open to changing direction in the future).

Similar to the author’s list, but I felt it appropriate to separate spouse from children 🤷🏼‍♀️😊

While I don’t think we need to spend every waking moment trying to be our very highest self, only doing the most important, most meaningful things on our hearts (after all, laundry and dishes definitely have to be done at least occasionally!), I do think it’s valuable to recognize that we probably spend more time than is necessary on striving for perfection, keeping up appearances, and trying to be what we think everyone else expects us to be. If we learned to spend a little less time on that, we’d have more time for the meaningful connections that bring true joy into our lives — more time for the things that really matter.

Soak Up Today

“Look at your child’s eyelashes and marvel at their perfect symmetry.
They will look different a year from now.
Reach for his hand and remember how it feels in your own.
It will be bigger a year from now.
Listen to her sing “You are my Sunshine.” Close your eyes and memorize her voice.
It will not sound so childlike a year from now.
Watch her sleep as she awaits a visit from the tooth fairy.
She will believe a little less in magical things a year from now.
Let him help in the kitchen. Taste much and laugh often.
You might find he is no longer your shadow a year from now.
Teach her something she’s been asking to learn. Encourage her and guide her.
She might be able to do it by herself a year from now.
Offer to play tag in the yard. Watch him delight as you chase him.
You might not be able to keep up a year from now.
Sit with him as he eats his cereal. Listen to his philosophy of life.
He may not have as much to share a year from now.
Tell her favorite story for the millionth time as she nestles in the crook of your arm.
She may not fit so perfectly a year from now.
Stare at his face. See yourself in the amazing individual before you.
You may see a little less of yourself in him a year from now.”

We’ve all heard about how fast kids grow up, but I guess I always think of it in terms of “18 years go by so quickly!”

This poem by the author made the idea more concrete for me: Even though my kids won’t be gone next year, my 5-year-old-Ada will become my 6-year-old-Ada, and my 2-year-old-Holly will become my 3-year-old-Holly. The kids I have right now will be so different just one year from now.

Of course there are things about my kids that are tough right now that will be easier a year from now, but by the same token, there are also wonderful things about my kids right now that will be different a year from now, along with new tough things to accompany the new ages. So basically, wishing for some future moment of perfection does me no good. I need to pay attention RIGHT NOW and soak up all the goodness of today.

This reminds me of how another Rachel, Rachel Nielson of the 3 in 30 podcast, says to “focus on the golden moments within your motherhood.” She teaches how the bad moments in parenthood might outnumber the good ones, but the good moments outweigh the bad ones, and when we focus on the good, it gets even better. She even has a journal to document these “flecks of gold” so that she can hold them dear.

I want to be a mom who sees the beautiful, wonderful, adorable things my kids do each day, and I want to feel like I soaked up each day I have with them.

Using the in-between moments, defining what matters (and living life according to that list), and soaking up each day will bring more joy and meaning to parenthood. I’ve already seen increases in my joy and connection as I’ve made these little changes!

Check out my chat with Andrea Davis of @BetterScreenTime about her top takeaways from this book!

And then join in on the rest of the book choices this year! :)