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ScreamFree Parenting, by Hal Runkel
“ScreamFree Parenting” — it’s a catchy title, eh? Like, who wouldn’t want to be a ScreamFree parent?? And yet, if you’re anything like me, it can seem to be just a dream to be able to parent that way, because, well, kids are kids, and as much as we want them to keep their cool, it’s tricky for us to keep our own cool.
Runkel defines “ScreamFree” as “learning to pause so you can respond more and react less; taking hold of your own emotional responses no matter how anyone else chooses to behave; learning to focus on yourself and take care of yourself for the world’s benefit.” Therefore, being “ScreamFree” is about a lot more than just not screaming at our kids — it’s about taking responsibility for our own emotions so we can be calm and safe parents for our kids. Read on for my top 3 takeaways (plus some bonuses) from this excellent parenting book.
We’re Responsible To, not For our Kids
“I invite you to actually say this out loud: ‘I am not responsible for my child and the choices she makes; I am responsible to my child for how I behave, regardless of her choices.’ . . . ultimately you are the only one you can control. If you make sure you behave — even when your kids misbehave — then you have a greater chance of positively influencing the situation, any situation.”
Somehow we’ve come to believe that our children’s actions directly reflect on our abilities as parents. It’s easy to think that when we’ve taught our children “correctly,” then they will behave “correctly.” But this skips over the very glaring fact that children are not robots, and neither are their parents. We both have a full range of emotions, and our emotions trigger their emotions, and their emotions trigger our emotions. It’s really kind of a vicious cycle 🤣 What this means is that, even if we happen to “do everything right,” kids can still react in unexpected ways; now factor in that we don’t always do everything right, and again — we’re looking at spiraling big emotions on all sides, plus lots of behaviors that we don’t necessarily like (from ourselves and our kids).
The good news? We don’t have to have “perfect” kids to be good parents! We can be the ones with a five-year-old kicking and screaming at church because we wouldn’t let them go sit with their friend (true story 😅), and we don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior. Instead, we take responsibility for our behavior — do we join in their tantrum behavior with tantrums of our own, or can we be the calm presence that gives love while holding any boundaries in place (in this case, quietly removing them from the congregation out of respect for others)? (And PS, that’s not how it happened for me. I did NOT stay calm 🙈🤣) Our own actions and reactions are the only ones we can control, so we should put much more of our focus on ourselves than we do on molding our kids’ actions. (And just a reminder — we don’t have to do this perfectly all the time to be good parents either. We all fall short, and then we try again.)
If we can strive to be more calm and connected parents (focusing on things WE can do), rather than cranky and controlling parents (focusing on things OUR KIDS do), we might just find parenting to be a bit easier and more enjoyable.
Give Kids Some Space
“Without space to learn their own likes and dislikes, without space to make their own mistakes, our kids continue to live borrowed lives.”
If you were to ask me whether or not I give my kids freedom to make choices, my first reaction would be to say ABSOLUTELY! Whenever I see movies or read books about people whose parents are the reason for the school they went to or the career they pursued, I feel so annoyed because I think parents everywhere should let their kids make their own decisions and follow their own dreams!
AND YET . . . when it comes to unkempt hair or uncoordinated outfits or messy rooms . . . Let’s just say that’s when I want to jump in and make decisions for my kids. Those are a few situations when I think I know best, and they should learn from my experience!
Runkel specifically talks about how, if we give a child a bedroom and call it “their room,” we should let them take ownership and control of that room. We can still require our kids to help clean up family areas in the house, and we can still hold our own boundaries when it comes to their messy room (“we’ll have to do your bedtime routine in the hallway because I don’t want to step on any of the toys on the floor of your room”), but they should be the ones to determine how to keep their room and whether or not they’d like someone to enter the room (and knock first!). This may very well be the first step in allowing kids to step into who THEY are — not who we imagine they should be.
I often joke with my husband about how I wish our kids were robots, because that would sure make my life easier! But when I’m being serious, I know that I want my REAL kids with their REAL personalities, quirks, interests, and ideas. I want to see who exactly they choose to become. And while I’ll guide them as best I can along the way, it’s important to not steer them too directly because I want them to create their OWN lives. Kids need some emotional and physical space to figure out who they want to be, and we parents need to be better about providing that space.
Seek Retreats, not Escapes
“An escape is based on the need for self-preservation, and it hardly ever involves a plan of return. . . . Retreats are intentional breaks from the action with the specific intent of regrouping and returning. . . . If we’re not diligent in carving out retreats for ourselves in the form of healthy activities, we are sure to find an escape somewhere.”
On first glance, a retreat and an escape might not seem all that different, but the difference is in the fuel. An escape is fueled by fear (“I just need to check my phone right now because I can’t handle another minute of these kids fighting!”), whereas a retreat is fueled by love (“I’m planning a girls’ night tonight to fill my cup so that I have more to give tomorrow.”). Escapes involve no forethought, while retreats definitely require a plan.
I am a huge believer in putting time, energy, and effort into doing things that you love and enjoy outside of being a parent. We want to raise our kids to be confident, happy adults who seek after the things that bring them joy, so we must first model that exact thing. When we can show ourselves love by planning all sorts of retreats for ourselves (from an actual extravagant retreat at a fancy resort, to much smaller things like 5 minutes of meditation before starting to take care of the kids in the morning), we’ll actually have more to give to our kids and family. The more retreats we can plan, the fewer escapes we’ll need to steal.
Honorable Mentions
Balance the Two Sides of Parenting
“There is a personal side to parenting and a business side. Under the personal heading fall such elements as fun, togetherness, nurturing touch, and play. . . . The business side of parenting [includes] the basic operations of the family: setting schedules and rules; enforcing consequences; establishing curfews and bedtimes; and providing the basics of food, clothing, and shelter.”
Give Calm Consequences
“You make rules and consequences very clear, in a matter-of-fact way, without any hint of anger or anxiety. . . . You are a calm and connected authority, one who does not need compliance in order to feel like the leader but one who naturally earns the respect of those he/she leads.”
I have such a long way to go to become a ScreamFree parent. While I intellectually grasp that I am the only one in control of my emotions and my reactions to what my kids do, I definitely fall prey to the idea that there’s only ONE way to react to some of the annoying/frustrating/infuriating things they do — and that one way is to blow up and blame the kids. But that’s not the kind of parent or person that I want to be, so I want to work harder to take responsibility for myself, give my kids space, and plan intentional retreats. This is definitely a book and blog post I’ll have to refer back to often for more help in becoming ScreamFree!
Check out my live conversation about this book with Lisa Andersen of @ThrivingMotherhood (You can also find her latest venture at @drawersco_).
Check out this post to see all the other books we’re reading this year!