The Self-Driven Child, by William Stixrud & Ned Johnson
You know those books that you read and you just nod your head the whole time because they seem to give you permission to believe what you already believed in the first place? That’s what The Self-Driven Child was for me, except it ALSO gave me new tangible tools to carry out those beliefs!
I really loved the ideas presented in this book, and here are my top 3 takeaways.
Kids need control
“Without a healthy sense of control, kids feel powerless and overwhelmed and will often become passive or resigned.”
Parents are in charge of everything for Baby from the moment she’s born. They choose how to dress her, what to feed her, and how she’ll spend her wakeful moments. Then little by little, Baby gets older and the tantrums start coming, in large part because Baby wants more say in her own life! Whether we’re talking about toddlers or teenagers, the universal truth is that kids want more control of their lives.
Sometimes parents hold onto control because they think they know what’s best for their kids; sometimes it’s because they want to spare their kids from discomfort and pain. However, according to the authors, “while we should guide, support, teach, help, and set limits for our kids, we should be clear – with them and with ourselves – that their lives are their own.” That means we need to give up some of our control so that they feel more in control of themselves and their choices. We have to allow them to take risks, to fail, and to do things their own way and find out whether or not it works!
For preschoolers, that might mean allowing them to choose their own clothes (even if they’re horribly mismatched!) so they can begin to figure out their own style.
For school-aged kids, that might mean giving them full choice about which sport or instrument they want to try, and perhaps even letting them try and quit many different ones until they find what they like.
For high schoolers, that might mean allowing them to blow off homework and experience the consequences of a bad grade. After all, we can’t check their homework status all through college, so they need to decide for themselves whether or not they’re willing to do the work, based on the consequences of either choice.
And I actually couldn’t read about this concept without thinking about sleep training – sure, you could take it upon yourself to be the sole provider of sleep for your child, but then Baby is completely out of luck anytime you’re not there. When you turn the reins over to Baby and give him the chance to learn to soothe himself, he can become a successful independent sleeper (which is biologically appropriate starting at 4 months).
As I’ve read this book over the last few weeks, it’s been interesting to notice the different ways my 5-year-old, and even my 21-month-old, are begging for more control. Ada wants the markers within her reach so that she can color whenever she wants to instead of needing to ask for assistance. Holly wants diaper changes, well, never – she can’t be bothered to lie down for 2 minutes! I can’t always give them control in the ways they want (diapers do need to be changed, after all!), but I’ve been trying to give them more choices and freedom when I can.
For instance, when Ada needed new church shoes, I let her pick out sparkly blue Frozen shoes, even though I would have chosen a more neutral gold pair. And although the kids get whatever I serve them for meals, I do often give them choices, like, “would you like an apple or an orange with lunch?”
According to the authors, “Perceived control — the confidence that we can direct the course of our life through our own efforts — is associated with better physical health, less use of drugs and alcohol, and greater longevity, as well as with lower stress, positive emotional well-being, greater internal motivation and ability o control one’s behavior, improved academic performance, and enhanced career success.” So basically, handing over whatever control we can will benefit our kids in so many ways!
Parents should be consultants
“Remember that your job is not to solve your children’s problems but to help them learn to run their own lives.”
We’ve established that kids need more control over their lives, but obviously their brains are not fully developed, so how can we help them make good decisions without making them make good decisions? By being a consultant rather than a dictator.
The authors state that “in the business world[, good consultants] ask what the problems are and which ones are most important. They ask what their clients are willing to commit to or sacrifice in order to reach a desired goal. They give advice, but they do not try to force their client to change, because they recognize that ultimately it’s the client’s responsibility.” Good consultants help their clients see the whole picture, and then clients can make better decisions from that point. Similarly, good parents can help their kids see the whole picture, and then kids can make better decisions from that point.
The basic structure offered in the book for being a consultant has three parts:
Ask questions like, “Do you want any help?” or “Do you have a plan?” instead of presuming they do need help or saying things like, “Are you done?” or “How about you do it like this.”
When it comes to things like homework, set consulting hours. They can come to you for help during your consulting hours, but they’ll need to organize their time to do so. If they miss consulting hours, they experience the consequences; you don’t need to be available at all hours to help them!
When your kids have a decision to make, the authors teach to say something like, “I trust you to make a good decision, and this will ultimately be your call, but I want to be sure you make the best decision possible, so I’d like to help you think through the pros and cons of either option. I also want you to talk to people who have more experience and to get their feedback. Finally, I think it’s important that we talk together about a possible Plan B if your decision doesn’t go the way you want.”
Step 3 is the most tangible part of the book for me — talking through the pros and cons with your child and then truly allowing them to make their own decision. Below is one example of how I’ve been using this framework lately.
Ada has been riding her bike with me on walks. She does great for the first half, but the ride back is always filled with complaints about how she hates her bike and it’s hard. So I’ve been trying to talk through the pros and cons with her — “You could decide to just leave your bike right here. If you do, you won’t have to ride it anymore right now which might sound nice! But also, someone could steal your bike and then you wouldn’t have a bike at all anymore. OR, you could decide to ride or walk your bike home. It’s difficult and you don’t really feel like doing that right now, but that way you get to keep your bike and ride it again another day.” The complaining doesn’t usually stop, but the bike does make it all the way home with us without me having to touch it.
This is certainly a low-stakes case (if she doesn’t have a bike anymore, it’s not the end of the world), but I (and the authors) feel so strongly that the same principles apply with higher-stakes things like getting into college or marrying the “right” person: we want our kids to choose to make good decisions that feel right for them, not for them to be forced into any mold we may wish to set for them.
Less stress, more flow
“Just as frequent exposure to high levels of stress can sculpt a young brain in ways that are unhealthy, frequent exposure to states of flow can sculpt a young brain to be motivated and focused.”
Although it tends to feel like there is one linear path to success in life, real life is filled with twists and turns that work together to create each person’s individual experience, so we don’t need to stress so much when things don’t go exactly how we thought they would.
Take me for example – I took a pretty linear path of going to college right after high school and graduating in the degree I planned on from the start (editing), but what am I doing now? I’m a sleep consultant! Something I didn’t even know existed until I had a child of my own, so I couldn’t have possibly planned for that starting in high school. Life handed me new opportunities, and I’m so glad, because I love sleep consulting WAY MORE than I ever loved editing.
A bad grade in high school doesn’t mean that a child won’t be successful later in life, and not getting into the desired college doesn’t mean a child won’t have the job of their dreams later on. (And truthfully, a bad grade or a lost opportunity can teach children a lot more about resilience than the opposites would teach!)
Instead of being so dead set on certain outcomes for our children (which is stressful for both us and them), we can relax and see where things really flow for them. According to Wikipedia, flow is “the mental state in which a person performing some activity is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and enjoyment in the process of the activity.” When our kids seek and follow that state of flow, they can be much more successful in their endeavors because they’ll be spending time on activities they actually enjoy.
Then, when we remember that there’s no one perfect path to success, we can be more willing to accept whatever path our kids choose for themselves – because they know themselves best!
Giving our kids control, consulting with them rather than forcing them to comply, and encouraging them in the areas they flow well in are all components that help our kids find personal drive to choose their lives on purpose. There was so much more wisdom and information in this book, so if you didn’t already, I definitely recommend reading it! But if you gain nothing else from the book, I hope you found these principles I shared today helpful :)
Click here to view my discussion of this book with Ralphie Jacobs of @simplyonpurpose!
Join in on next month’s book club pick!