We all dread it — the moment when we need to leave, and we know Baby will start crying the second he realizes what’s happening. It doesn’t matter whether you’re on your way to the bathroom or heading out on a date with your partner, whether you’ll be gone for 60 seconds or 3 hours — you know that Baby won’t like it. This is separation anxiety!
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a completely normal part of development for babies and toddlers, typically peaking sometime between one and three years old. It’s part of growing up and coming to understand that people leave and come back.
The fear that comes up for babies and toddlers when a parent or caregiver leaves shows us that they have a strong attachment to their caregivers, which is a good thing! But the crying that ensues every time is hardly enjoyable, and can even be worrisome for many parents. (And if Baby is inconsolable for a prolonged amount of time anytime his preferred caregiver leaves, it may actually be Separation Anxiety Disorder, so consult your doctor if you’re worried about that!)
What triggers separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety can be triggered by many different things. Sometimes the trigger is a BIG, life-changing event, like adding a new sibling, the death of a close loved one, or moving to a new home. Sometimes the triggers are simple, everyday things, like dropping Baby off at daycare, the preferred parent leaving the room, or trying to give Baby to another trusted adult (but who is not his preferred parent).
Basically anytime there is change, whether big or small, Baby may become more anxious. So much of his life is filled with new experiences, and he’s not sure how everything works yet. When mom goes to another room, will it be for just a moment, or will it be forever? Only the repetition of mom coming back after leaving will teach Baby that Mom always comes back, and that learning process takes time!
Since life changes frequently, Baby may experience some level of separation anxiety frequently, as well!
So what do we do?
There are a few things we can do to help with separation anxiety.
1. Provide stability and consistency in whatever areas we can.
Oftentimes we’re tempted to offer extra comfort when Baby starts to cry when we’re leaving, but this can actually reinforce their fears about us leaving.
Instead, be clear about where you’re going and how long you’ll be gone (even if Baby is too young to understand), give an appropriate goodbye (“I’ll be right back!” when leaving the room vs. a big hug and kiss when heading out for the evening), and when you come back, remind Baby that you did so (“See? Mommy came back! Mommy always comes back.”).
While we want to offer comfort to baby in times of transition, we also want to show him that we know he’s capable of weathering a little separation anxiety. Kids are RESILIENT, if we just allow them to be.
When it comes to sleep
2. Have a clear bedtime routine, including your exit point.
A common time for separation anxiety to creep up is at bedtime! Baby doesn’t want to sleep, so he suddenly insists that you stay. Again, the more you cater to this behavior, the more the behavior is reinforced.
Know that even fully sleep trained kids may protest when it’s time for you to leave (my almost 5-year-old asks me to stay in her room and sleep with her nearly every night, despite the fact that I’ve NEVER done that), but if you continue to walk out the door at the end of the routine, Baby will come to understand that he is expected to sleep on his own rather than trying to rely on you to fall asleep, and he’ll retain that very skill.
3. Consider giving a comfort item.
When kids start struggling with separation anxiety around sleep, oftentimes a stuffed animal or blanket can become a huge comfort to them. With both my girls, I introduced a comfort item around 15-18 months, and they latched right onto it! At times of inconsolable sadness (related to separation anxiety or not), the comfort items are a huge asset in calming them.
4. Avoid overtiredness with an age-appropriate schedule.
While separation anxiety may be present regardless, it is usually escalated when a child is overtired. The effects of separation anxiety can be decreased when the proper schedule is used. Grab my free scheduling guide to help you figure out timing for any child age 5 or younger!
Though separation anxiety can be tough to deal with, we can actually make things easier on both Baby and ourselves by staying clear and consistent with any boundaries we set. Again, kids are resilient! So give Baby a few helpful tools (like a bedtime routine, good schedule, and comfort item), and then make sure you leave the house (and room!) every now and then, even if it’s not your child’s favorite thing. Give him a chance to learn that you’ll always come back :)
Do you have more questions about separation anxiety or any other sleep issue? Come hang out with me on Instagram, where I have a FREE weekly Q&A :)