Imagine it’s the middle of the night, and out of nowhere, you’re awakened by loud screams in the next room, or perhaps even a frantic child shaking you awake. Maybe he’s had a scary dream, maybe he’s suddenly afraid of the dark, or maybe he just missed you, but he’s claiming to be scared, and he’s demanding to enter your bed or for you to come back to his.
Now, before you allow either of these things, ask yourself, is this something you want to do every night? Because oftentimes, once a toddler/preschooler does this once and sees how efficient it is, he’s much more likely to claim fear (real or not) do it again and again and again. So what do you do instead? Here are three things to keep in mind to help you handle this type of situation.
1. Allow the emotion, but don’t inflate it
First off, if you were frightened by your startling wakeup call, take a deep breath; we don’t need to add frantic adult emotions to frantic child emotions.
Next, allow the emotion in your child. Sometimes we rush to solutions, saying, “Don’t worry about it, it was just a bad dream,” or something similar, but when it comes to emotions, what we resist persists. If we try to rush our child through their fear, we may find that the fear increases, because now they have to prove more forcefully that they really are scared.
Instead, try saying, “You’re scared, huh? Your body feels kind of shaky and you weren’t really sure what was going on, huh?” Naming the emotion and calling out what that emotion feels like can actually be helpful in allowing the emotion to pass through.
Finally, be careful not to overdo empathy to the point of inflating the fear. Ask questions about his bad dream or what’s bothering him if it feels helpful, but phrases like, “That IS scary!” are likely to prolong the fear.
2. Give your child tools
Once your child has calmed down a bit, offer him tools that he is in control of. Just like we want to help babies learn to fall asleep on their own so they are the ones in charge of their sleep, we want our older kiddos to maintain control of their own sleep. A good night’s sleep is still important for everyone past the baby stage! Here are a few tools that your child might find helpful.
Draw a picture. The written word is very powerful, even for kids who can’t read or write, and pictures are powerful in a similar way. See if your child would be willing to draw a picture of what he is afraid of. Take it a step further by having him draw a picture of himself overcoming the fear in some way (if you’re into Harry Potter, think about the boggart scene in #3!).
Deep breaths. Deep breathing helps calm down your nervous system, thus decreasing stress and anxiety. Tell your child to take deep breaths anytime he finds himself fearful in the night.
Sing a happy song. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to think about two things at the same time. If your child can sing himself a happy song, he won’t have room for the fearful thoughts.
Say a prayer. If your family practices any sort of faith, your child may be comforted by saying a prayer. After all, who wouldn’t be comforted knowing that an almighty being is watching out for them?
Happy pictures. If your child doesn’t have any family pictures in his room, consider adding some. Pictures can help kids feel a sense of comfort, as though Mom and Dad really are nearby, if only in the picture frame.
Happy mantra. Give your child specific phrases he can speak to himself in the night. Here are some ideas: I am safe. Mom and Dad are here to protect me. It was just a dream. My house is safe. I am being watched over.
Monster spray & nightlights. If your child is afraid of something specific, like monsters or the dark, you can always give him a tangible tool to combat that fear. Monster spray could simply be a spray bottle with water in it, and he could spray it under his bed before going to sleep, or in the night if he gets scared (though be careful with this one, it may become a tempting toy). If your child wants a nightlight, get one that has a dim, red light, as this will interfere least with his sleep (I recommend only giving a nightlight if your child is specifically asking for one).
You can use just one or two tools, or you can use them all, and you can use some tools in the moment, while others will be more helpful the next day in anticipation of the coming night. Do whatever feels most helpful. When my daughter went through a fearful stage, I made it part of her bedtime routine to remind her of her tools: “Remember, Ada, if you get scared in the night, you can take deep breaths, sing a song, say a prayer, or snuggle your blanket! Remember you are safe.”
3. Set clear boundaries and follow through
Once you’ve acknowledged the fear and given your child tools to combat the fear, you need to be clear on what you will and will not do when the fear comes up. Here are two sleep training methods that may be helpful in the case of fear.
Toddler Checks. Let your child know that you’ll come back and check on him every so often. Determine how long you want your intervals to be (5 minutes? 10?) and then make sure you follow through on your checks. When you do check in, say a brief script like, “Mommy’s checking on you! I’ll be back to check on you again in 5 minutes!” Knowing that you’ll be coming in every so often can help many kids release their fear and fall asleep.
Hall pass. Give your child a hall pass (a physical piece of paper that says “hall pass” will do just fine) that can be used one time each night, for anything. He can use it to go to the bathroom or get a drink, he can use it to get an extra hug from Mom or Dad, or he can use it for any other reasonable request. But he only has one hall pass, so he’ll need to learn to use it wisely. He’ll likely use the hall pass every night at first, but after a while, knowing that he can use it to get one more hug from Mom or Dad can be enough to help him go back to sleep if he wakes up.
Make sure to tell your child how you will handle this type of bedtime battles or nightwakings, and then follow through on what you tell him you’ll do.
Fear is a completely normal emotion, and we don’t want to try to eradicate it from our children’s lives, but we also don’t want it to start ruling our lives. Using these three tactics, you’ll likely find that the bedtime fears soon dissipate!
Are you concerned that you’re actually dealing with night terrors? Check out my blog post on the differences between nightmares and night terrors!