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Simplicity Parenting, by Kim John Payne
I got into decluttering and simplification several years ago. It was helpful before becoming a parent, but it became even more important as I had kids — we all know how easy it is to accumulate STUFF when you have kids!
And having “too much stuff” is just one piece of the puzzle; Payne discusses three other ways that we tend to have too much: “too many choices, too much information, and too much speed.” He claims that not only do we need to simplify our child’s environment, but also their rhythms, schedules, and what types of information we allow into their lives. What I, personally, love about the simplification process is that getting rid of the excess in all these areas helps open up room for what you REALLY want.
That is the main information presented in this book, but I always like to look for three concrete takeaways that are meaningful in MY life and MY parenthood. Hopefully you’ll find these takeaways helpful, too!
Filter Out the Adult World
“Many parents ‘flashbulb’ their children with too much of their own adult concerns, their own unprocessed thoughts and feelings. I worry sometimes that we’ve let our guards down as a society, talking to children too openly about too much.”
Ironically, one of the points Payne makes in this section of the book (about filtering out the adult world) is that the more we talk, the less our children hear — and that’s kind of how I feel about how he wrote the section. He says A LOT in this chapter about various ways we can filter out the adult world, but within our conversations is the bit that stood out most to me.
Simplicity Parenting came on the heels of How to Raise an Adult, so my brain was coming from the mode of treating kids more like adults. However, this topic reminded me that, although we can expect a lot from our children, we should still allow them the innocence of their childhoods. Personally, I believe in answering kids’ questions openly and honestly, but I think Payne is correct in his assertion that we can still draw lines about what we’ll discuss with our children and how we’ll discuss it.
The particular example that stood out to me was about leaving kids out of fearful discussions — the kinds of stories you might hear on the news. While kids need to be informed about safety measures they should be taking, they don’t need to know about all the possible bad things that could happen to them every time they leave the house. Knowing too much “bad” at a young age can lead to increased fear and anxiety about the world.
I witnessed this firsthand the other day. My husband and I are leaving the country soon (without our children), so we’re getting our wills in order “just in case.” Our five-year-old, Ada, asked what a will was, so we ended up explaining it to her as simply as possible. In that discussion and a few times since then, I saw her increase in fear (and she voiced that fear) about what would happen to her if Russ and I both die. I quickly realized we had given her more information than was helpful for her age. We stirred up fears in her that she really doesn’t need to be concerned about!
Moving forward, I’ll definitely be more careful about what I share with her.
Rhythms Build Relationships (& Create Calm)
“Meaning hides in repetition: We do this every day or every week because it matters. We are connected by this thing we do together. We matter to one another.”
Do you ever feel like you just can’t figure out how to make life go more smoothly? Because I do 🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️ My literal LEAST-favorite questions to be asked each day are “What are we going to do that’s fun today?” and “What’s for dinner?” And I hate these questions because I basically never have an answer; I’m constantly waiting until the last minute to make a decision.
I know that adding dependable rhythms into our days and weeks would simplify my life, and my kids’ lives. It would definitely bring a lot more balance!
But even more than that, adding rhythms can also help build the family relationships. We can create our family identity and increase closeness by adding simple rhythms into our days and weeks.
One family rhythm we’re committed to is our family movie night, Movie Monday. Every Monday night, we get takeout and watch a movie as a family. We rotate through each of us, and when it’s your turn, you choose both the restaurant and the movie. This has been a fun way to practice turn taking, learn new things (from the movies), and bond as a family. We’ve been doing it for about two years now, and knowing what to expect on Monday nights definitely helps provide a sense of calm AND connection for our family.
A family rhythm I’ve been working on since reading the book is adding a specific focus (of conversation) to each meal. Currently, we eat every meal as a family. Russ is not here for lunch and dinner 4 days/week because of his work schedule, but otherwise all meals are a family affair. I like that we have this rhythm because I’ve heard so much research about how family dinners(/meals) are so important; however, we don’t talk as much as I wish we did during these meals, so I came up with meaningful ways to add conversation to our meals.
At breakfast, we talk about the scriptures.
At lunch, we do appreciations.
At dinner, we share our lows and highs from the day.
I also want to create better rhythms around family work, read-aloud time, and special Sunday dinners.
I want to add family rhythms to create stronger bonds within our family.
Balance Child Choice with Parental Authority
“We live in a country and era that equate ‘choice’ with ‘freedom.’ Yet for young children, ‘freedom of choice’ about every small detail in their day—everything they eat, wear, or do—can be a paralyzing burden.”
So many parenting experts talk about how giving kids CHOICE can help them feel like they have more control of their life. And I agree — I do think that kids need to be given choices in certain instances. However, I also liked this reminder that too much choice can feel overwhelming. I get decision fatigue as an adult, so I can’t imagine how much a child must feel it if they’re given control of too many things in their life.
Payne also explains that, “In giving them the resistance and redirection that quite a number of their wishes require, we build up their social and emotional maturity. We let them know that others, too, have needs, that although we hear them, our job is to hold the bigger picture, and, like a family lighthouse keeper, illuminate and give direction for everybody.”
Sometimes my five-year-old constantly asks for things I can’t or don’t want to give her, and it can be easy to feel guilty for saying no so often. I liked this reminder that getting a “no” answer is part of building character and teaching how the family works as a whole — it’s not all about one child! It’s perfectly okay to establish firm boundaries as the parent. Some ways that we establish boundaries in our home are around what time bedtime is, what foods are available for meals, and when TV time is allowed (and what is allowed to watch).
We live in a world that has gotten too fast for childhood. We’ve learned to need too much. This book reminds us of all the ways that we can slow down and pull back from the excess, in order to give our kids a little more breathing room; to give them a chance at a real childhood rather than fast-tracking them to adulthood. And restoring childhood, I think, is a worthy goal!
Check out my conversation with Miranda Anderson of @LiveFreeMiranda.
Check out this post to see all the other books we’re reading this year!