Ahhhh bedtime. That sweet time when you get to lay your child down, leave the room, and have a few wonderful, much needed hours to yourself!
Wait, that’s not how it goes for you??
Instead you spend what feels like an eternity laying down by your child until they *finally* fall asleep, before tip-toeing out of the room without accidentally waking them and restarting the whole process? (Never mind if you accidentally fall asleep yourself and then your whole night suddenly disappears!)
If this sounds familiar (and you’re not happy with the situation), let’s chat about how you can start having a bedtime that goes more like the first version I offered!
Perhaps you just transitioned your child from a crib to a big-kid bed. Or perhaps your child has been sleeping in YOUR bed for a while, and you’re now ready to get them back to their own bed. Or maybe your child started having nighttime fears.
No matter the reason the habit started, you’re now stuck in your child’s room or bed, every single night, for however long it takes for them to fall asleep. I’m here to show you another way!
When it comes to making changes to your child’s schedule and routine, the biggest hurdle parents face is simply not knowing where to begin. You set off to make the change without having a clear plan, and then you feel defeated when it doesn’t work out right away. It quickly starts to feel like a problem with no solution, when in fact, the solution is simply to have a solid plan from the start. Here are the steps to take:
Figure Out a New Bedtime Routine
Bedtime routines are important for setting the stage for good sleep; they help a child know that bedtime is coming. If, moving forward, you’re going to take yourself out of the room while your child falls asleep, you’ll want to make sure there’s a new (or at least adjusted) routine before you say goodnight. Add fun and love to the bedtime routine (and possibly a new blanket or stuffed animal), since you’ll be taking away the snuggles your child is used to. (You can still give your child a snuggle before you leave the room, you just want to make sure they’re fully awake when you leave the room.) Make sure to take care of all needs ahead of time (potty, drink, snuggles) so that you can ignore your child’s requests for additional help once the bedtime routine is over.
Choose a Sleep Training Method
Once you know what your new bedtime routine will look like, you’ll need to decide what you’ll be doing instead of lying next to your child. You can choose any training method — the key is to pick what you’re comfortable with and what you can be consistent with.
Since your child is used to you being in the room, you may want to choose the chair method, where you gradually remove yourself from the room. Other options that include less parental involvement are scripted checks, toddler checks, or pure extinction (no checks).
Keep in mind that no matter which method you choose, your child is likely to protest. Losing you in his bed/room is a big change, and in his eyes, it’s not a change for the better! No method will be “better” than any other — so simply choose the one that feels right for you and your child.
Gather/Create Tools
In order to be successful, you may need one or more tools to help you. Figure out which ones you’re going to use, and make sure to prepare them ahead of time.
Sleep rules - Sleep rules are generally 1. I stay in bed, 2. I close my eyes, 3. I stay quiet, 4. I try to sleep. Involve your child in making a poster that has these sleep rules (written and/or drawn), and review the sleep rules during your bedtime routine.
Sticker charts - Sticker charts can be another helpful visual reminder for children. If they follow the sleep rules, they get a sticker! If they get enough stickers, they get a prize. However, sticker charts are an external motivation, which never works nearly as well as internal motivation; try to tap into the internal motivations with the sticker chart by saying things like, “The more stickers you get, the better sleep you and mommy will be getting, which means more energy for fun activities together!” and “Wow! All these stickers show how much good sleep we’ve been getting lately!” Correlate the stickers with better sleep and more energy for all.
Hall pass - If you’re worried that your child will repeatedly come out of his room if you’re not in there, you may want to institute a hall pass. Let him know that he has one hall pass only, so he needs to use it wisely (for the potty, for a drink, for one last hug). Stay FIRM on not allowing additional exits, either by silently returning him to his room any extra time he comes out (no words, no eye contact, no tucking him in again), or by making sure he stays safe in his room (with a locked door or a door knob cover on the inside). A simple colored piece of paper with the words “Hall Pass” written on it will do just fine.
Okay-to-wake Clock - When you first institute these changes, you may find that your child comes out of his room in the middle of the night or in the early morning, looking for you. Find a clock that changes color (like the Hatch or another similar one), and use that to let him know that if the light is off, it’s nighttime, and if it’s green (or whatever color you choose), he can come out of his room because it’s morning.
Explain the Impending Changes
Once you know what you’re going to do, and you’ve collected/created your tools, thoroughly explain to your child what your plan is. Even if he’s a young toddler, and especially if he’s an older preschooler, this can help him understand what is coming. Explain to him that everyone needs to get better sleep, and it’s time for him to start learning to sleep on his own. Tell him about how you plan to handle bedtime and the rest of the night, so that you don’t feel like you need to explain things to him at bedtime or in the middle of the night. This means explaining the new bedtime routine, the training method, the sticker chart — everything! Do all of this talking during daylight hours, completely removed from bedtime.
Say Goodnight and Go
Now that everything and everyone is prepped, it’s time to follow through! Decide on your start date for all the changes, and then make sure to say goodnight and go (either out of the room, or to your chair) on that day. Your child will try to convince you to stay. He may kick and scream and cry about the change, but if you want the different result (him falling asleep without your help), you have to change your behavior (not giving him your help to fall asleep) first.
I promise, if he’s older than 4 months old and has no major medical issues, he is biologically capable of falling asleep on his own; he just needs the chance to practice.
Stay Consistent
And then keep it up! Remember that this is a big change for your child, and it’s hard! We expect him to protest the change, but his protests don’t mean you need to stop doing what you’ve set out to do. After just a few days (possibly a week or two, but usually less), you’ll be reaping the benefits of a child who falls asleep on his own, in his own bed. You’ll be more relaxed, and your child will get better sleep. But first, he has to work through the hard stuff to learn the new skills, which can only happen with enough time and space to practice.
Do you feel ready to make your plan and carry it out? I wish you all the best, and many evenings full of child-free time in your near future!
And if you feel you need more hands-on support with this process, I’d be happy to guide you and answer your questions in an Advanced Consultation 😊